Tag: anger

Anger or Happiness? It’s Up To You, but You Can’t Have It Both Ways

Cool the flames of anger with intentions and compassion
Cool the flames of anger with intentions and compassion

Anger or Happiness? It’s Up To You, but You Can’t Have It Both Ways

Barriers to happiness include feelings of disappointment, anger, or unresolved conflict in inter-personal relationships. Sometimes friends, companies, lovers, bosses etc. can behave in ways that are harmful, selfish and draining. When we are hurt, we become angry and resentful. We may think that getting even will make us feel better. The truth is that holding on to Anger will increase suffering. It does not bring justice, restitution or peace. Try to hold the feeling of happiness and anger at the same time. I don’t think it is possible, because they are not compatible. Try letting go of Anger. Realize that it is hurting you.

What Are Your Intentions?

It is said that the happiest people in the world are those with a rich network of close and supportive relationships. We are happy when we feel heard, validated, appreciated and understood by our family and friends. There are many skills that we can learn to help foster loving relationships. One simple and very powerful skill is setting the right intention. We can make it our intention to show appreciation, to validate, or to listen. An intention can help our words to soften, our understanding to deepen, or our true appreciation to be felt by those we love. Intentions can change the dynamics of relationships, even when it is a relationship that has a history with heavy expressions of anger. At first, you may try to change the dynamics of the relationship by simply setting  an intention to remain calm the next time you interact with this person.     

The Antidote of Compassion

Sometimes we know that we should let go of Anger, and we may try. However, our energy of anger may be very strong. Especially if the object of our anger is a person or situation that has hurt us a great deal. I find several techniques to be especially helpful to “cool the flames” of anger. One technique is to try and understand the suffering of the person who is hurting you. Sometimes that can be very easy to see if we only look. We can clearly see their fear or feelings of inadequacy if we can calm our emotions enough to see the other person. Feeling compassion for another person, and understanding their suffering will quite naturally cool our feelings of anger.

with peace and blessings – diane

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The Energy Of Anger

flameThe High Price of Anger

We all know what it feels like to be angry. We may even have a general idea of the high price we pay when we act on our anger. I say general because if we would stop and think before expressing anger and remember the high cost we are going to pay, perhaps we could remember to act in non-anger. The opposite of acting in anger would be to act in Understanding. The right action of Understanding has many different forms and is dependent on the situation. Very often an Understanding response would be to remain silent. For some people who passively accumulate anger as they allow others to exploit them, an Understanding response would be to set a boundary using the appropriate level of firmness.

The Energy of Anger

The energy of anger is hot and strong and often can be felt in our head in the form of pressure, pain and tightness. It is thought that nearly 85% of the blood in the pre-frontal cortex area of our brain is drained to support the automatic “fight or flight” response that is activated by anger. The pre-frontal cortex area of the brain is needed during higher levels of cognitive processes such as judgment and creativity. That is why when we are angry we become “blind with anger”. The brain cannot support clear thinking and anger at the same time.
Damage to our health is a another price we pay when we are angry. We should be grateful that our bodies accommodate our needs and the fight or flight response is triggered when we truly need it. However, a traffic light that inconveniently turns red, a waitress who is slow to bring your meal, or a rude response from a colleague does not really necessitate the barrage of neuro-chemical, muscular, and hormonal changes that are instigated when the fight or flight response is triggered. It is good when we need it, but damages our bodies when over used.

We can all probably identify with the consequences that anger can have on relationships. Angry words and angry deeds can destroy relationships. We may shatter spirits, joy, creativity, and peace with anger. This is a very high cost. That is why it is important to address our anger and know how to respond to it.
The possibility of feeling and acting in anger is in all of us. Please share with me. Have you found a skill that reduces your anger? Have you found a skill that changes the energy of anger into the energy of Understanding?

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Righteous Anger

Righteous Anger

Is Anger ever the right response? Is it possible that the “right” expression of anger, used in the “right” circumstances serves a purpose? Is it possible for anger to be expressed consciously? Jesus was certainly enlightened and conscious, and he became angry. Flipping over tables in the temple, rebuking Peter, and calling the Pharisees hypocrites are a few examples. Are we enlightened and conscious enough to use righteous anger in a productive manner?

Anger Begets Anger

A husband becomes angry with his wife after she is caught lying about her impulsive and out-of- control shopping and spending which is threatening their financial future. The husband has been patient, understanding and supportive up until now. After the husband reviews the facts about the spending, and the financial implications to their family, he begins to outline the consequences of her behavior. In a raised voice he states her actions have changed their relationship. He can no longer trust her, particularly with money. He then sets boundaries and outlines the steps he will take to separate their credit and finances. The wife in-turn becomes angry and defiant and accuses the husband of being controlling, stingy and harsh.

Anger : The Slippery Slope of Emotions

Anger can be a slippery slope because Anger often begets Anger. That does not mean it is wrong, it just means that you should be prepared to accept these consequences. The expression of Righteous Anger can result in a person finally hearing and recognizing the consequences of their actions. However, shame, resentment, defense are common reactions. So, if you must use anger to be heard, be prepared for the emotions that anger may illicit. Jesus probably did not make new friends at the temple after turning over the tables. Also be sure of the motivation for your anger. If you are angry because your ego has been threatened or challenged, then pull back. Acting with anger is probably not the right response. Instead, take a deep breath and a step back. If your anger is about you, it is not righteous. If you act in anger because something bigger than you is under attack, exploited, cheated etc. perhaps using anger productively might be the emotional response that gets through, that is heard, and helps a person to realize the consequences of their actions.

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Emotional Health

A Mindful State of Mind

Emotional health can be greatly improved when we practice mindfulness skills. Earlier I discussed the art of staying in the present moment  to sustain mindfulness. Understanding the nature of impermanence also invites a mindful state of mind.  After all, all things are impermanent. The feeling you have right now will soon be changing. Sadness may give way to joy, which may give way to contentment, which may give way to sadness. The thought you are having right now will soon be replaced by another thought. Your body is also changing in this very moment. All of our material possessions are impermanent by nature.

Emotional Regulation

When we keep the idea of impermanence in our consciousness our emotional health becomes better regulated. We cease to feel disappointment when the things we want, crave and desire come to an end. We also realize that our suffering will eventually evolve, in some way. (Hopefully the evolution will result in growth, but this is dependent on how we cope, our resources,  our personality, impulses  etc.)

Cling Much?

A reflection on impermanence gives rise to an understanding of how clinging can be detrimental to our emotional health. An attempt, assumption, or hope that something will remain the same is a delusion. Likewise an assumption or hope that something will remain the same is a delusion. These delusions gives rise to emotions such as sadness, disappointment, resentment and anger.

The Merge

When we are present and aware of this particular moment we also realize that this moment is unique and special just as it is.  And when presence and the true nature of impermanence are merged together in our consciousness, moment to moment, our emotional health, I believe, will become infused with a greater sense of peace, understanding and contentment.

with blessings – diane

The intention of this blog is to share general personal ideas or comments that relate to everyday personal and interpersonal challenges. It is not intended as a substitute for mental-health counseling, including individual, couples, family, or group counseling. Readers should not rely on any part of the content of this blog as a substitute for professional counseling. If the reader needs professional counseling advice they should seek the services of a licensed professional, and only rely upon the advice of a licensed professional with whom the reader has a professional relationship. Further, any comments or postings made by others do not constitute my opinion, and such opinions may vary from my own.

 

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